How will you know if your reactive response is operating in a martyr complex or victim mentality? Well, the two mindsets have some subtle distinctions. Understanding their differences might help you understand and get closer to the root cause of your reactions. Both tend to be more common in survivors of abuse or other trauma, especially those who don’t have access to adequate coping tools.

A person operating with a victim mentality typically feels personally victimized by anything that goes wrong, even when the problem, rude behavior, or mishap wasn’t directed toward them. They often have a hard time showing much interest in hearing potential solutions. Instead, they might give the impression of just wanting to wallow in misery.

A person with a martyr complex mentality tends to go beyond this victim mentality. Feeling victimized is not enough for them, so they typically go out of their way to find situations that are likely to cause distress or other suffering. Someone who always seems to suffer and appears to enjoy the act of suffering.

Both mentalities are reactions from past traumas. The ripple effect of these reactions makes it difficult for an individual to heal and grow.

Here are a few ways you can spot martyr behaviors in yourself or someone else.

You do things for people even though you don’t feel appreciated: Many people who are bothered by a lack of appreciation will simply stop helping. If you have martyr tendencies, however, you might continue to offer support while expressing your bitterness by complaining, internally or to others, about the lack of appreciation.

You often try to do too much: Sometimes we all are pulling in some extra work and this doesn’t make us a martyr. But consider whether you regularly accept responsibilities that aren't required of you. When you feel like nothing will get done unless you do it yourself and refuse offers of help. Even when you feel annoyed by the additional work you are doing, you continue to add to your workload when asked. You actually might even grudgingly volunteer to do more!!

The people you spend time with make you feel bad about yourself: Maybe you continue to spend time with people that make snide remarks, criticize you, or always want you to do things for them. You put up with those toxic behaviors instead of putting boundaries into place. Sometimes even creating some distance between yourself and the other person is appropriate. However, a martyr mentality individual is motivated to tolerate these toxic behaviors so that they can complain of how bad they are being treated to other people. Bottom line, if you continue to regularly spend time with them, only to find yourself thinking or talking a lot about how miserable they make you feel, you could have some martyr tendencies. And this behavior is hurting you.

You consistently feel dissatisfied in your job or relationship: When you suffer with a martyr mentality, you might experience patterns of dissatisfaction in all areas of your life, including your job and your romantic relationships. Your tendency is to blame others for where you have ended up. You believe you deserve something better, especially because of the sacrifices you have made. Often assuming others don’t recognize or value your self-sacrifice might contribute to anger and resentment.

How do we become more self aware of our internal dialog to recognize martyr tendencies? We slow down and pay attention to how we respond and feel to any situation. We work on setting healthy boundaries. We work on minimizing tolerations. We know our values and needs. We create a solid foundation for who we really are. Having these solid foundations will prevent you from feeling like no matter what you do, people misunderstand your attempts to help or your efforts fall flat.

Martyr tendencies and victim mentality may not seem like huge deals, l and most people have them to a certain degree. Yes that is true, we all have these tendencies from time to time. However, over time these behaviors have a huge toll on relationships and your well-being, and it will prevent your personal growth. To put it simply, the martyr complex makes it very hard for you to speak up for yourself, making your internal foundation weak. It is like building your dream home with sand instead of concrete. The lightest wind will deteriorate it.

If you can’t speak up for yourself, you are not an excellent communicator that can clearly give directions on what you need and want from any relationship. You instead become excellent at passive-aggressive behaviors. Ultimately, these tendencies leave you with internal burnout that affects your mental, spiritual and physical life.

I have created a unique 12-step program that helps individuals transform from the inside out to give you that solid foundation you deserve. It is a free download. If you are interested in learning more, please visit my website and sign up to receive this free download. click here for more information.

I will leave you with this question to ponder. What are martyr or victim tendencies in your life that are preventing you from thriving?

Sincerely, Vania

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