If you grew up with dysfunctional family patterns, it is quite possible you are attracting unhealthy behaviors from your partner and not even realizing your childhood trauma may be to blame.

These types of relationships are incredibly painful. These toxic behaviors can range from being hurtful and rude to flat out abusive. Can you distinguish between hurtful and abusive?

To some extent, I think most of us have experienced toxic behaviors in our lives. Abuse is not acceptable and should be non-negotiable. If you have a toxic relationship or friendship, give yourself permission to distance or end the relationship. While it’s important to be able to receive feedback from the people we love, it’s also not okay to be put down, criticized, and leave interactions feeling defeated.

Below are signs you could be attracting a toxic or abusive relationship:

• You regularly betray yourself in the person’s presence

• You are belittled or made to be “the joke” for them in public

• When you bring up an issue that you have with them, they dismiss it, make fun of it or get defensive

• A core part of who you are is criticized

• Your boundaries are continually ignored

• Your growth, ideas, hopes and dreams are discouraged

• They are rarely interested in your inner world

• You feel emotionally drained following every interaction

Why do I attract these individuals? If you grew up in a environment where your emotions were met by anger, intolerance of emotions, being told to “stop crying”, chronically dismissed, no emotional regulation, no emotional support and chaos or reciprocated emotional distress, it makes sense you might numb your feelings, feel responsible to please others, abandon all of your true feelings, walk on eggshells because you are afraid to upset others, pretend you are at peace while feeling emotions of anger, you stop yourself from feeling the full range of your emotions. You believe you don’t matter. You don’t know how to identify your own feelings

The truth is that it is very hard to know how to care for your emotions because it was never modeled for you. If you knew better, you would have done better. This goes for the abuser as well. Dysfunctional upbringing makes it almost impossible for us to recognize our emotions because we were told to stuff it without being provided the space to process it with a safe adult.

When the people you love treat you this way while growing up, you ultimately don’t trust that anyone can handle your emotions with care because you are used to being met with emotional distress by the very people who were supposed to be 'safe' for you.

Because of their treatment you felt that your emotions are too burdensome to care for because that is what you experienced from the closest people in your life. As a way to feel safe during dysfunction and unsafe moments during our childhood, we learn to abandon ourselves. We behave this way because we are afraid to disappoint someone if you disclose your emotions, so we people please at the cost of ignoring your own needs.

The hard truth is that avoiding your feelings will only intensify the feelings until you "spill over" from emotional overload. This will lead you to have severe consequences to your relationships, decisions, and your life. Not "burdening" others with your emotions will keep you chronically self-abandoning where you will continually neglect your needs.

Understanding the root of your behavior will allow you to make a change. The most important change is to become aware of your feelings and your needs. How amazing will it feel for you to be able to feel the fullness of your emotions freely? The good news is that even if you didn't get what you needed growing up, you CAN learn to meet your needs now.

I have created a unique 12-step program that helps individuals transform from the inside out to give you that solid foundation you deserve. If you are interested in learning more, click here for more information.

I will leave you with this question to ponder. What are your coping skills for leaving an abusive relationship?

Sincerely, Vania

Photo by Obie Fernandez on Unsplash